tears just can't stay in my eyes.

i cried today.
i feel that i'm so useless.
i cannot control my emotions..
this female patient died and we wanted to see how the last office (which we call post-mortem care) is done.
we went to the curtain-covered bed to observe the procedure but her daughter came in to ask if she can see as well.
the moment we said yes, she started screaming for her mother in tamil.
probably she said come back or why she left her in this world alone and all that....
she was like," Ma!Ma!......"
it was very sad.

then i thought about my grandmother who also died in NUH but in the renal unit.
my mum was also saying the same thing and she was also screaming and all.
because it was too sudden for her to die.
minutes ago, my grandma was thinking of the food she wants to eat after that, the next moment she started gasping for breath.
but the problem lies is that why the staff doesn't allow my mum to see my grandma for the last face.

anyway, i couldn't take it and i just broke down.
the teacher-in-charge of the year 3s came to console me to say that i should be emotionally-stable so i can can carry out the last office professionally.
if i cried like the way the family members cried, they will be feeling worse than that.
then i was left alone in the room, which i found to hide me from letting others know i cried, to think over what the teacher had said to me.

it's only the 1st year and i have yet to be exposed to all types of situations and i'm already like that.

perhaps i wasn't supposed to be a nurse.
nursing is not my forte.
maybe i should change my career.

nope.
i shouldn't thinking about this.
i should persevere.
if all nurses were to think like me, i think singapore will be left with no nurses to take care of the patients.
i should have known earlier that i will meet this kind of situation the day i put nursing as my choice of study.
yeah.
i must continue in this line so i can help more people.
i cannot think that i'm useless just because i cried because of this.
think about this.
aren't nurses humans as well?
humans do have emotions.
it's just that whether you can control it well or not.
i'm only bad in controlling my emotions but that doesn't mean that i'm not suitable for this job, right?
hope this will help me to persevere in this career. assure me. :l